lingering doubt.

i sometimes try to drum away the static noise that enters and leaves quite easily nowadays while i am in camp , namely :

1) PSP

2) More textbooks.

3) Attempting to write.

4) talking. or keep running other thoughts of work


It's so easy to view this as angst. or should i stop myself from this and take a step back, and examine myself under the magnifying glass once more? While this was never a talent , having applied it myself as an isolationist , it so convenient to walk away. Life goes on day to day , i still remain , slightly paranoid and way. I still try to apply myself ( or hope) and remain the same weiming people know instead while i try to understand what is going on .

Honestly, it has been a chicken and duck affair so far.

Perhaps because I have overstretched myself emotionally. How ironic that now i am the one ambivalent instead.

i suppose that was an adequate answer to the last 4 months.

one.

i sometimes wonder if i am really heard every night before i sleep, where i am suddenly left very much alone before i close my eyes , wondering what i will anchor myself into before i wake up either from gastric , or from a bad nights sleep.


i have been losing sleep lately. Late night snacking habits , coupled together with a bunch of quite over bearing people i face everyday make things quite uneasy sometimes. A psp helps , but it isnt helping me set my focus right - i might just leave it for andrew to play soon.


Sometimes at night, i get reminded that i am a hot blooded guy who lusts quite alot. passive aggressiveness and to be honest , quite a hunger at times can drive me slightly crazy during duty weeks, but i am coping fine.... i think. Recently , i found that it was easy for me to switch any negative thoughts to thinking about my last sexual encounter - which gives me a myriad of emotions and thoughts . Some of which include :

1) the notion that i am doing something fundamentally me as a young male, but the wrong way of going about doing things , at least towards my moral biscuit.

2) the pre-emptive automatic response i get when i think of 1) - which is to haul myself into negative self degeneration while dwelling in my own fantasy which leads to 3)


3) which is a awfully weird mix of a conscience that bites itself and wallows in self pity or agony at the same time loving every single bloody lusting moment of it.

Perhaps its the notion that its something wrong that i should be wrong about. that i should be not not held accountable. Perhaps its that rebellious streak in me which enjoys a good working relationship with the party in my pants. Adding to that, maybe i just plain enjoy it. which i hope i dont. i know for a fact that i am uncomfortable and unhappy. which brings about a weird sense of contentment - not that i would want to do a sean. but i can see where he derives his comfort zone . I am no coward. but i do not exactly know how to deal with this. One night stands , affairs or paid sex aside. a negative answer to a want or need is just not an answer - sooner or later. i will be sorry.

yes. to a certain extent. the trip had something to do with it. a huge part really. despite the fact that i am trying my darnest not to mention anything about it , i still live under its shadow simply because i never got away with closure. its been nearly a year.


i swear i need to get neutered this way.i cannot exactly stand this all the time.

loopholes.

Its so easy to lie. isnt it?


white lies , big fat ones , lies which involve spinning your own life around it.


stop dreaming. and move on.