one.

i sometimes wonder if i am really heard every night before i sleep, where i am suddenly left very much alone before i close my eyes , wondering what i will anchor myself into before i wake up either from gastric , or from a bad nights sleep.


i have been losing sleep lately. Late night snacking habits , coupled together with a bunch of quite over bearing people i face everyday make things quite uneasy sometimes. A psp helps , but it isnt helping me set my focus right - i might just leave it for andrew to play soon.


Sometimes at night, i get reminded that i am a hot blooded guy who lusts quite alot. passive aggressiveness and to be honest , quite a hunger at times can drive me slightly crazy during duty weeks, but i am coping fine.... i think. Recently , i found that it was easy for me to switch any negative thoughts to thinking about my last sexual encounter - which gives me a myriad of emotions and thoughts . Some of which include :

1) the notion that i am doing something fundamentally me as a young male, but the wrong way of going about doing things , at least towards my moral biscuit.

2) the pre-emptive automatic response i get when i think of 1) - which is to haul myself into negative self degeneration while dwelling in my own fantasy which leads to 3)


3) which is a awfully weird mix of a conscience that bites itself and wallows in self pity or agony at the same time loving every single bloody lusting moment of it.

Perhaps its the notion that its something wrong that i should be wrong about. that i should be not not held accountable. Perhaps its that rebellious streak in me which enjoys a good working relationship with the party in my pants. Adding to that, maybe i just plain enjoy it. which i hope i dont. i know for a fact that i am uncomfortable and unhappy. which brings about a weird sense of contentment - not that i would want to do a sean. but i can see where he derives his comfort zone . I am no coward. but i do not exactly know how to deal with this. One night stands , affairs or paid sex aside. a negative answer to a want or need is just not an answer - sooner or later. i will be sorry.

yes. to a certain extent. the trip had something to do with it. a huge part really. despite the fact that i am trying my darnest not to mention anything about it , i still live under its shadow simply because i never got away with closure. its been nearly a year.


i swear i need to get neutered this way.i cannot exactly stand this all the time.